Please Don’t Do That To Your Car

We’ve all been there, sitting at a stoplight, singing along to the radio when a car pulls up next to you and you think “Why would you do that to your car?”
Here is a list of things I think people should NOT do to their cars (in no order):
1. The oversized after market spoiler – I used to have a 1994 Nissan Altima. I think it was the first year Nissan made the car and it had a small manufacturer-placed spoiler. I hated it. It made it hard to wash the trunk and every time I looked in the rear view mirror I saw a strip of what was behind me between the spoiler and the trunk. What is worse is the car owner that puts the oversized spoiler on it. Am I the only one that thinks this doesn’t look cool? Are you trying to make your car fly? It looks like a giant wing or something.

2. Stick figure people on the trunk window – This is one of the dumbest fads that are popular with families and SUVs. I can stand sitting in the school pick-up/drop-off lane behind a giant Suburban that has a stick figure dad holding a fishing pole, a stick figure mom holding shopping bags, a stick figure son holding a baseball and bat, a stick figure daughter holding pom-poms, and a stick figure dog. Call it dumb, call it stupid, call it whatever you want. It is a waste of time and money. I look at my kids more than just athletes and cheerleaders. I look at my wife as someone who does more that just shop. I don’t need to advertise on my SUV how many people are in my family and what are activities are. The same applies for kids that play sports. Do I really need to know your kid plays for or cheerleads for the McAdenville Dolphins or the Union Road Jaguars? NO! If your kid plays quarterback for the Carolina Panthers are you going to put a sticker on your car that says “Panthers #2 Jimmy”? NO!

3. Paying tribute to a lost loved one – People do all kinds of things to remember their lost loved ones. I’ve seen tattoos, paintings, pictures, poems, newspaper articles, Facebook pages, etc. Most of them I am fine with but the one that I don’t understand is the giant sticker on the trunk. What, when you bought that ’04 Toyota Corolla it reminded you of your grandmother? You bought that ’97 Ford F-150 in memory of your uncle? If I die before my wife does someone please tell her not to put ‘In Memory of Bruce Wilson’ on the back of her Mercedes R-350.

4. Any type of human or animal parts on the vehicle – This one is a big one and includes eyelashes over the headlights, furry tails hanging from the trunk, giant rubber or metal balls/ballsack hanging from the tow hitch, eyeballs on the front bumper, and all of the Christmas decorations like antlers, elf ears, a red nose, etc. Your car is a machine. It takes you to and from your destination. It does not have a heart beat, it does not talk, and it is not a person or animal. Please don’t treat it like one.

If you want to give your car a name, go ahead, we all loved Eleanor in Gone in 60 Seconds, but just remember: NONE of the vehicles in that movie had a ridiculous spoiler, stick figure stickers, decorative body parts, or said ‘In Memory of Nicolas Cage’.

—Bruce Wilson blogs here and for 610 AM WFNZ The Fan and is the owner of Superior Car Service. He is also currently working on his first novel. You can follow him on Twitter @BruceRWilson